55 thoughts i had seeing again ‘love actually’

It’s the holiday season, which means it’s definitely time to watch some terrible, stupid Christmas movies that, nonetheless, manage to put a tear in your eye. (Just me?) So in the great tradition of Lindy West, whose Love in fact to sum up from 2013 deserves to be entered in the annals of history, I present to you a catalog of all the thoughts I had while revisiting this Christmas classic. Enjoy:

  1. We’re opening on early 2000s shots of people having fun at the airport, because apparently that’s something people used to do? I don’t see a photo of a hungover young woman ripping with misery in an endless Starbucks queue four minutes before she boarded, so I feel less than represented.
  2. God, we don’t deserve Bill Nighy.
  3. Oh, people are ice skating! Why not I ever ice skating?
  4. Colin Firth runs away to a wedding, leaving his nasty (foreshadowing) girlfriend in bed. Never leave a mean girlfriend unattended, Colin!
  5. Liam Neeson is in mourning, and it is very sad. Emma Thompson is not particularly sensitive to his needs, but again I feel like he calls a lot. Her child is going to play the first lobster in the school nursery, because apparently there is has been more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus.
  6. Two cute substitutes are simulating sex on a movie set, and I have to wonder if the sex substitute is a full-time job or if they are also stuntmen.
  7. Wedding time! Funny transphobic joke! Chiwetel Ejiofor looks super sexy just like his fiancée, Keira Knightley, but his best wedding videographer / videographer Andrew Lincoln looks a bit picky. More on that later.
  8. We are now entering a world where Hugh Grant is the newly elected Prime Minister. He meets his new assistant Natalie, who is extremely cute and swears a lot.
  9. I know the obvious Hugh Grant crush is meant to be endearing, but in a post- # MeToo world, it’s kind of a bummer.
  10. I am very interested in the little feather that Keira Knightley has woven into her wedding hairstyle. Carrie Bradshaw Wedding Hat!
  11. Oh naaaaur, Mean Girlfriend is cheating on Colin Firth with her brother. It just seems unnecessary. Anyway, he left for France to type on a typewriter, because it is 1957.
  12. I’m just not going to honor the Sandwich Guy’s plot with much recap, except when it becomes absolutely necessary.
  13. Boobs!
  14. Oh my god i am I sandwich guy excited?
  15. Time of funeral 🙁 Liam Neeson has an extremely adorable little stepson, who is clearly very traumatized by the death of his mother.
  16. Ah, now we come to the heart and soul of the movie: Laura Linney, which shows Andrew Lincoln is a little weird about her best friend’s wedding because she’s insightful and perfect, and I’d like to ‘she be my wife.
  17. Alan Rickman, in another plot that does not pass the #MeToo test, is bewitched by his hot and nasty assistant, but he always finds time to call Laura Linney to be in love with a coworker named Karl. Oh.
  18. I just realized that the place where they work is a design agency. Honestly, I thought it was a magazine or something.
  19. Laura Linney is still on the phone, for reasons unknown.
  20. Everyone thinks that Connell’s Normal people reinvented the chain look for guys, but it was actually Bill Nighy in that movie.
  21. Ugh, Britney Spears gross joke.
  22. Now let’s move on to one of the weirdest subplots in this movie: Natalie and Hugh Grant have a chat, and she explains that her boyfriend dumped her because she was getting fat. Wow ! The horror!
  23. Liam Neeson worries about his brooding stepson, and Emma Thompson wisely notes that “it was always going to be a shitty time.” I have thought about it more than once in a time of mourning.
  24. Aw, stepson is in love! Really!
  25. Suddenly, Liam Neeson and his stepson turned their home into a war room to earn a crush on.
  26. Bill Nighy’s Immortal Line: “Kids, don’t do drugs. Become a pop star and they will give them to you for free!
  27. Andrew Lincoln is always weird with Keira Knightley and Chiwetel Ejiofor wears a very shiny shirt. Keira begs Andrew to let her come see his wedding footage, and he reluctantly agrees.
  28. Another subplot that doesn’t age too well, TBH: Colin Firth instantly meets and falls in love with his young Portuguese maid, who doesn’t speak a word of English and he doesn’t speak Portuguese, but you can tell a lot. from a glance, apparently.
  29. Hugh Grant meets a very obvious, gooey guy, George-Bush-meets-Bill-Clinton who’s an asshole on trade deals or something. Her much greater sin strikes Natalie, which Hugh Grant cannot forgive. Is this how politics works?
  30. Hugh Grant, excitedly, gives a mind-blowing speech that America sucks, and everyone loves it. Also, why is the US president wearing a hot pink tie?
  31. Oh yeah, I forgot Hugh Grant is Emma Thompson’s brother. Small world in London, right?
  32. Emma Thompson is overjoyed at how much she loves Joni Mitchell’s “Blue” because she and Laura Linney are the only two nice and cool people in this movie.
  33. Okay, this scene Is it that Hold up: Hugh Grant dances triumphantly at 10 Downing Street, and I love it as much as I loved it when I was 11.
  34. Colin Firth’s maid Aurelia accidentally drowns her manuscript in a pond and dives down to put it in her underwear. He’s even more in love, and she has a tattoo, so you to know she’s a nasty one.
  35. I don’t really care who anyone in this subplot is, but it’s still tough when Keira Knightley comes to watch Andrew Lincoln’s wedding video, realizes all the plans are on her and finds out that he does not hate her; he really, really likes her. Phew.
  36. Natalie quits and one of Hugh Grant’s employees calls her “that chubby girl.” I hate this movie.
  37. Oh, Liam Neeson and his stepson are watching Titanic for ideas on romance. Okay, I still love this movie.
  38. It’s party time at the office! Alan Rickman’s hot and mean assistant is dressed like a devil, because I guess she thinks it’s Halloween?
  39. OMG, Laura Linney is dancing with Karl, who is, indeed, hot as hell.
  40. They return home together, with a very relatable moment where Laura Linney leaves him in her foyer and rushes to clean her apartment, but she is called at the last minute. Thin.
  41. It’s sad: we learn that Laura Linney is always on the phone because she has a brother with some sort of disability that requires round-the-clock care and sometimes makes him violent.
  42. This cheating (or potential cheating) villain Alan Rickman buys a fancy necklace at the mall … but for whom? We will see.
  43. Hey, it’s Mr. Bean!
  44. Oh, sex substitutes fall in love with each other. No notes, I like this subplot.
  45. Colin Firth is learning Portuguese now that he’s back in the UK without Aurelia because he’s a fucking mensch.
  46. Okay, I guess I can’t avoid it anymore: A sandwich dude goes to the States and inexplicably dates three insanely hot women, including Elisha Cuthbert and January Jones. No matter.
  47. Another really sad scene: Emma Thompson thinks she’s going to get this necklace for Christmas, but the fearful Alan Rickman actually gives her a copy of Joni Mitchell. Blue. It’s her favorite album, man, she obviously already has it! She briefly apologizes for crying in her room, and I cry right next to her because moms are the best and deserve the world.
  48. Colin Firth arrives to celebrate Christmas with his family, including his dastardly brother, then immediately calms down to find Aurelia. King.
  49. Barf me, we came to a scene that I really hate: Andrew Lincoln shows up at Keira Knightley’s door with cue cards telling him he loves her, claims he is a vocal singer, yadda yadda , you saw the movie. The only good part is when he says sternly to himself, “Enough now. “
  50. Natalie sends Hugh Grant a sweet Christmas card professing his love, and he begins a hunt for her at his address (which I have to assume would be in his employment records?).
  51. He ends up coming to the lobster crib with her, and they kiss each other fully, and everyone sees it. Oh.
  52. Stepson’s crush happens in the assembly with his famous singer mother, and it’s gorgeous, but then they head back to America, so Stepson and Liam Neeson start a mad rush to the airport that ends with Stepson sneaking past. security and being totally kissed. Adorable, but a little less so when I remember TSA throwing in my four-ounce moisturizer the last time I got on a plane.
  53. Emma Thompson confronts Alan Rickman by telling him, “You’ve made my life crazy too” (sob), but the two seem to vaguely agree in the end?
  54. Now it’s just a love parade: Liam Neeson gets on with Claudia Schiffer (?); Colin Firth gets on with Aurelia, who studied English; and a horny sandwich dude gets on with seemingly every woman in America (and even brings one back for his friend, like she’s a Toblerone). Hugh Grant and Natalie are dating. Hooray! Merry Christmas! The end.
  55. One more thing: why is it apparently anybody across England to celebrate Chanukah?

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